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I am a service user who has spent most of my life in and out of acute wards as I have borderline personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder and complex posttraumatic stress disorder. In 2003 I spent my fortieth birthday strapped to a bed for four weeks in Palma hospital, Mallorca, after having a nervous breakdown. This only added to my trauma and I was sent back home to England where I spent a year on an acute ward then I went to The Retreat in York, into a therapeutic community for people with self defeating behaviours such as self harm. It was there that I learned to express myself through positive means by being encouraged to write down how I felt. This surprised me by coming out in reams of poetry; then I doodled imagery, and from then on everything changed.

I attended York College and got a distinction on the Art and Design foundation course. Then I went to university and have got a BA honours degree in Fine Art. I have fantastic support from the disability services at York St John University where I am studying, and through them I got a scholarship to do my Masters in Fine Art here. I had support from the Disabilities Unit who organised support workers for me to work with to help me through the bad days as well as the good.

Through them I have a physical connection and strong feeling of belonging which is vital to anyone with my mental health issues. The place is small and like a family unit - everyone knows everyone. I have had financial help with such things as equipment for my course from the Disabilities Unit. Also I have a good connection with the Welfare Officer at Uni who has helped me through many a financial worry. It was also through them I was nominated for the Adult Learners Award for Yorkshire and Humberside which I won last year.

I now work for a company called Emergence. This is a company that is run by, and is devoted to raising awareness and changing attitudes towards people with personality disorders. I often give talks to Occupational Therapy students and clinical psychology students about my own journey, and I use my creativity as a tool to show others how we can do things differently. I also run creative workshops around the country as well as for my local services.

I still have little confidence in me as a person, but through uni and the support I have I can now put my hand up and say “Yes, I do exist through my creativity and the work I do for like-minded service users”. That is a huge step forward for me to acknowledge that yes, I am good at something and I know I can help others by using my creativity as a learning tool to help others.

The Disabilities Unit staff at uni have given me that confidence to do that and to be able to promote myself to go forward. I also know that if I am struggling I can go to the disabilities service and they will help me out in times of crisis, if needed. Uni has given me the strength to push for projects out in the big bad world and engage with other organisations as a professional - something I could never have done on my own. I also have regular counseling at Uni which is of great benefit again it’s that connection that I so need to keep myself grounded. The main help that Uni has helped me with is structure to organise myself as well as my work, as left on my own I would just drown; but by having structure throughout my experiences at University, I have the strength to reach deadlines and commit to projects.

Submitted by Julie Bagwash

Painting by Julie Bagwash, visit Julie's MySpace page to view more of her artwork.


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